Being Joyful

Here is a collection of some of my favorite things that have come around on the internet. I have absolutely NO IDEA who the author of most of this stuff is, or if it is from another website, what the URL is. These came to me in e-mails. So if you find something that YOU wrote, please let me know and I will either credit you correctly as the author, or remove it -- as you wish. And please keep in mind that I don't necessarily agree with the usage of certain of these words, and of course I would never do some of these actions. But *I* didn't write this stuff and hey, IT'S A JOKE! Anyway, these are things that made me laugh out loud and I wanted to share them.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. And inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." ~ Groucho Marx

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved....but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece
of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

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Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?

The pastor of the local church told this story. He had a kitten that climbed up a small tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members and neighbors. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

(Can you see where this is heading?)

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

* Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

* Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

* Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

* Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

*Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

* Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

* Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

* Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

* Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.

* Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does Petsmart sell lie detectors?

(From Pets' letters to God, Mark Bricklin [translator]

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Giving A Cat a Pill

1 - Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.

2 - Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3 - Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4 - Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 - Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6 - Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold from and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while placing wooden tongue depressor into mouth. Drop in pill and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7 - Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ceramic figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 - Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, open mouth with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9 - Check label to make sure pill was not harmful to humans, drink a glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 - Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Open mouth with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11 - Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

12 - Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13 - Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wedge. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14 - Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

15 - Kick yourself for not adopting a hamster!

How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

-- Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.

-- None; Taureans never want to change anything.

-- One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

-- Two. Plus a portable phone, an internet link, and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."

-- Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when they're done the lightbulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any colour you want it to.

-- Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- Just one, but it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grieving process.

-- Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper, too!

-- None: A Cancerian would worry himself to death with the problem.

-- Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.

-- One: He holds the bulb and the world spins around him.

-- A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs, they're too busy changing them for everyone else.

-- Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

-- Let's see, one to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was purchased, one to decide whose fault it is that the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb....

-- One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- Er, two, or, maybe one. No--on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

-- Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

-- Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb, and where it burned out. It might perhaps just take one if it's just an ordinary bulb, or maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new bulb, or....

How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- None. They'd rather sit in the dark.

-- Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?

-- That information is strictly secret and only shared with the inner members of the hierarchical order.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- Look, ask me when I get back from India, OK?

-- The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got out whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out lightbulb?

-- A whole bunch: You can only keep them in the room long enough for each of them to give the bulb a quarter turn.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs -- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

-- I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

-- None. Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

-- The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

-- A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light into the world.

-- Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

-- Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?

-- What lightbulb?

-- Huh? The light's out?

-- None: They concern themselves with inner light.

The 12 Signs of the Zodiac are symbols for 12 different human personality types. Each Sign has its own unique approach to life. Just for fun, let's get a feel for their different psychologies by making up a typical "Bedtime Prayer" for each Sign.

ARIES (3/21-4/19): "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI (5/21-6/20): "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER (6/21--7/22): "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO (7/23--8/22): "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO (8/23--9/22): "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA (9/23--10/22): "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO (10/23--11/21): "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS (11/22--12/21): "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES--- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN (12/22--1/19): "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.

AQUARIUS (1/20--2/18): "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES (2/19--3/20): "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

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THE CHILI CONTEST

(I am an "escaped" Texan and this one just really cracked me up!)

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"...Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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